To Whom It May Concern:
Writing this cover letter seems much harder than it should be. It’s not technically difficult, but it is certainly a task I’m not doing willingly. I don’t know what bothers me about it so much since it should be relatively painless in theory; simply write a few paragraphs about why I am a worthwhile human being. However, I am uncertain of what I could say that would remain in accordance with the conventions of cover letter content as well as attention grabbing, compelling, or convincing. The fact of the matter is that I haven’t had a varied line of professional work, and the majority of it, though respectable enough by most standards, was not imbued with an impressive amount of skillful activity or responsibility. Thus, applying for a job in my case usually involves a significant amount of embellishment and exaggeration. But if there is one skill for which I have proven the greatest propensity and dedication, it is cogent, articulate expressions of sincerity. And if I were going to demonstrate this skill in a cover letter, I would have to say that none of this matters. The universe is completely indifferent to whether I have a job or not, and frankly, I’m indifferent as well since I have no interest in money for its own sake, and the few activities I genuinely love doing are not likely to be of enough economic value to warrant keeping me fed, housed, and able to travel from time to time. I am fully aware that nothing I’m most qualified to do truly needs to be done, but in the interest of continuing to live in society and maintaining a semblance of normalcy so as not to unsettle the people in my social arrangements, I must at least show a modicum of interest in supporting myself financially in a manner befitting my class and education. In the end, I do not want this job for myself as much as I want this job for who most people would prefer to think I am: someone who is trustworthy, responsible, fully capable of succeeding within our collectively accepted ideologies, and who enjoys spending the rest of the time imagining how it could possibly be otherwise. That’s about all the conviction I can generate in an application for most jobs, and the ones for which I possess real enthusiasm I have very little compelling experience to offer in light of the staunch competition by thousands of other highly capable and incredibly deluded souls.
So in conclusion, please give me this job. I am confident that, whatever it is, I’ll be able to perform it well enough given a reasonable amount of instruction on your part. Allow me to fulfill the role of the upright and socialized creature we would both like me to resemble.